Dating advice for fine young unsuspecting men
If young men knew the creative ways their girlfriend's parents judge them,
I suspect more of them might wear belts.
Years ago, when I first started courting--or dating, as it's now known--I was delighted to discover that I'd passed the secret test which all mothers use to vet their daughter's boyfriends:
'I'm pleased to say you've made the cut, Nick. I like a man who knows how to handle his cutlery.'
Presumably she'd expected me to clean my nostrils with it. Regardless, from that day on, I became utterly horrified of putting a fork wrong. I rushed home to research the strange customs that might be expected of me at next week's audition.
What follows is a list of tips to ease the transition from clueless rogue to lovable Romeo. If they save a single love-struck fool from peering down a concerned father's shotgun from the transactional end, I'll consider my time well spent.
Introductions
The first meeting will feel awkward. Take solace in the fact that they're even more worried than you are. Probably with good reason.
The usual advice about 'being yourself' does not apply here. Compliment, but don't suck up. Touch, but don't touch up. Be courteous, but not creepy. Smile, but never grin. Keep both hands above the table at all times. Unleash your 'personality' only when they've seen that you're human underneath it.
Walking on the roadside
Most fathers of a distinguished age will recognise walking on the roadside as a sign of good manners and sound upbringing. On some small level, they will take comfort in this. Their daughter may be sharing a bed out of wedlock with a scruffy, jobless hooligan, but at least she won't get splashed by passing cars.
The full rules surrounding walking on the roadside are strange and needlessly complex, which is why I'll be criticising them separately soon.
Dining
Dining is an absolute minefield, and you're bound to get something wrong. Relax. If you remember one thing only, remember this: your fork is not a shovel. Mothers notice these things.
Fathers will be determined to feed you up to a level they deem manly enough for their daughter, especially if you are skinny. The degree to which they take hidden pleasure in giving you large amounts of stodgy food will vary tremendously, but eat whatever you're given. It's very much like gambling: if he raises you a baked potato, see him by wolfing it up. Never back down. He'll run out of chips eventually.
Phone calls
Concerned parents can and do listen in on their children's landline conversations. If you're calling your girlfriend to share a witty observation about her mother's garden gnome collection, consider phoning her mobile instead. If you're calling to have phone sex, use an encrypted line or find a different outlet, you filthy swine.
Love letters
Few men write these any more, which is a shame, because most women want them. If you decide to use the written word to wax lyrical about her lustrous locks or radiant rump, consider toning it down a little. To her parents, there is no better justification for your murder than having their suspicions confirmed in your scrappy handwriting.
Staying the night
If you are blessed with an offer to stay over, accept whatever conditions they impose with grace and dignity. Now is not the time to argue over the sleeping arrangements.
If you're asked to kip outside in the stables, do so with a smile. If anyone should object, it will be your girlfriend. If she doesn't, you've probably done something to deserve it. Think carefully... ah... yes--that's what it was.
Congratulations! You've passed!
Naturally, when you've bluffed your way into what passes for acceptance, you can fall back into your terrible old habits, you calculating so-and-so. You've probably earned it, after all.
Just remember: that shotgun's always loaded.
Dave Fowler says:
(19 September 2008)Nick, your advice has come hideously late for me. I could have used this 15 years ago when I was at an age to do something with it (the advice, that is). Now I’m well into a lifetime stretch with the woman I married, gorgeous as she is, but if I start using my cutlery properly now, my wife will suspect I’m having an affair.
You know you really should have posted a health warning with this stuff. Tsk!
Kelly says:
(20 September 2008)Nick,
Gambling and dining. Beautiful comparison.
One of the true shames is that most of the behaviors which please her parents will leave your darling scratching her head, unless she is as nervous as you.
Lest this advice put you off: Do write the love letters, gents. She'll cherish them long after she dumps you for the guy with shaggy hair and a car he can't afford. She'll recite your poetry to the children you won't be having with her... but not if you reference her rump, so do it the 44forks Way.
Great post, though I didn't learn how to snag a fine unsuspecting young man. I'll just have to keep reading. :)
Regards,
Kelly
Joel Falconer says:
(20 September 2008)Kelly, if Nick can teach you how to snag a young man, I'm going to be quite worried.
Friar says:
(20 September 2008)The way the women in my town breed, I'd have to worry about not only impressing my date's father, but also her kids, and her GRANDKIDS. ;-)
Nick Cernis says:
(22 September 2008)Dear Dave, You're absolutely right: I hadn't considered the implications for those who've already made the grade or faked it. Your advice about not becoming the picture of perfection overnight is sound. (Though I would never suggest that a comfortable relationship alone is an excuse to wear your underpants on your head and fart the national anthem.)
Dear Kelly, It's true. When it comes to notes of affection, some references are best avoided. I have a post stub called Adjectives to avoid in contemporary love poems that should deal with the worst offenders.
Dear Joel, I tend to write only from experience; the good news for you, at least, is that the article you allude to won't appear here any time soon. That doesn't rule out guest posts from wily women, though...
Dear Friar, While I would not dare comment on your local ladyfolk, it sounds like you have a challenge on your hands. Good luck!
Adam says:
(23 September 2008)A loveable read, made me chuckle a good many times. Thanks!
And also, I happen to be in the target age group. Mostly things I've found out for myself already, but still nice to have that extra certainty :)
Dave Fowler says:
(23 September 2008)Nick, well that’ll never work. It would need to be Land Of Hope And Glory. The National Anthem just won’t cut the cheese I’m afraid. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to take may crackers and put them in an airtight container until Hammer Time.
Ian says:
(8 October 2008)Well put, Nick.
When I was a young man, not so very long ago, I managed to perfect the art of impressing the parents. So much so that the parents often ended up liking me long after the girls had dumped me.
There's a fine line to be tread when meeting the parents. Lucky for me, I have found my soul mate now. And the in-laws like me... I think.
Dario says:
(19 September 2008)Nice post! :)