The Poke Chart: Facebook etiquette made easy

William Shakespeare would have loathed Facebook. Among the many questions he might have for its users, 3 would rise above the rest:

1. What on earth does Shakespeare is my homeboy¹ mean?
2. To poke or not to poke?
3. Stop calling me 'Willy'. Got that?

The second question is what concerns us, and, until today, the answer was far more confusing than it needed to be.

Current theories

Depending on who you befriend, Facebook poking--the act of clicking 'poke Jeeves' to send him a virtual nudge by email--is subject to a wide range of confusing regulations.

The Facebook group lovingly titled Enough With The Poking, Lets [sic] Just Have Sex goes as far as laying out what it calls the '10 Commandments of Poking', one of which reads 'don't poke anyone you don't want to have sex with'.

If only things were so simple.

Writing for the Times Online, David Rowan suggests that 'the split is largely along age lines'.² He proposes that under-25s are the ones most likely to be superpoking their friends and sharing their drug-fuelled exploits. Ha! As if their parents are less liberal than they are.

Today on 44forks, I'd like to put forward a solution: that Facebook etiquette should not be governed by anything as rude as your age or as crude as your sexual conquests. Instead, it is about one thing only: the coffee bean.

Facebucks: etiquette via espresso

You can tell a great deal about a person by dragging them to Starbucks and seeing how they react to a choice of 87,000 possible drink combinations.³

It's time to uncover the hidden link between that decision and your Facebook poking preferences. A warning before we begin: the chart that follows may alter your beverage choice forever.

The Poke Chart

As simple as it is powerful, the Poke Chart sets out a clear guide to poking your fellow (wo)man based upon your coffee preferences:

Here's how to use it:

1. Decide who you wish to poke.
2. Follow the row until you reach your usual beverage.
3. Poke accordingly if prompted.
4. If not permitted to poke, resist or change your drinking habits.

For example, if you're thinking about poking a crush and your regular choice is a cappuccino, resist the urge. It's simply not in your nature.

Isn't this all just nonsense?

Yes, yes it is. Beautiful, trivial, stick a pencil up your nose and run around in your pyjamas -style nonsense. Frankly, the world needs more of it.

While it may look a little flippant and fancy-free, there's a hidden world of assumptions waiting to be drawn from the Poke Chart. For example:

• No self-respecting tea drinker would have a Facebook account for their dog.
• Double espresso junkies will poke anything with a heartbeat.
• Mocha lovers are scared of commitment.
• Frappuccino slurpers should phone their parents more often. They're starting to feel left out.

If you're intrigued by this brave new world that straddles the realms of clairvoyancy and overpriced coffee, and want to know how to apply it to other areas of your life, the good news is that we'll be returning to the theme in future. Subscribe and stay tuned.

If, on the other hand, you're a double espresso drinker who feels terribly hard done by at the suggestion that you might lack restraint or social standards in some way, feel free to poke me should we ever meet in person.

As if I could stop you, anyway.

1. A reference to the oddly-titled Facebook group of the same name, consisting of 100+ members. The group description simply reads 'For everyone who thinks Shakespeare is the shit'. Charming. ↩
2. Log on and rediscover the generational gap [Times Online] ↩
3. Starbucks Stays Mum on Drink Math [Wall Street Journal] ↩

GirlPie says:

(19 September 2008)

If only FB would offer an option for what I use the poke for: "Hi, I want to remind you of me but can't risk friending you in case you can't/won't remember me and leave me feeling rejected and stoopid..."

Usually, a good poke will make them think: "hey, I know here, let me friend her so I seem more popular..." and then I'M in the catbird seat.

Could we call it a 'wave'?

Chief Toc Toc says:

(20 September 2008)

I drink double espresso and I have no inhibitions.

Your chart is 100% accurate within the sample. Great work!

Kelly says:

(20 September 2008)

Nick,

I got a good laugh out of this one. I don't use FaceBook and now I can see why. Latte folks like me are a bit antisocial, aren't we?

Also, sadly, the Times piece on the generation gap got me. I know of the thing, I just don't know why. With the help of your handy Poke Chart, at least I now know how.

Regards,

Kelly

Deena says:

(22 September 2008)

Question:

I drink hot chocolate. Is that eqv to choc?

I think the chart is a wonderful idea. It kinda clears my concepts about other tea and latte drinkers as well :)

Nick Cernis says:

(22 September 2008)

Dear GirlPie, I wholeheartedly agree that some form of disambiguation between various poke types would not only be beneficial, but essential to prevent future embarrassment.

I am both delighted and amused by your 'wave' idea. On the one hand, it is a welcome step towards civility and respect. On the other, it suggests a certain standoffishness that I suspect would render it even less effective than our modern-day poke.

Regardless, I will suggest it to Facespace developers immediately.

Dear Chief Toc Toc, I can only thank you for taking time between shots to add you views and confirm my suspicions. Cheers!

Dear Kelly, I stress that I have nothing against Latte lovers; at least they don't sport the sorts of frothy moustaches that cappuccino clutchers enjoy, which are as comical as they are deeply undignified.

I considered throwing in the towel on Facebook, until a friend told me that doing so is now called committing 'virtual suicide', which sounds rather ghastly, and put me off the idea entirely.

Dear Deena, Yes -- your assumption is correct. I probably should have clarified that, shouldn't I? Silly me! My apologies.

I am glad you like the chart. I considered donating it to Starbucks as a kind of strange Italian joke, taking on the role of an espresso impresario, if you will. Then I remembered that they were an American megacorp riding on the back of an Italian wave. Suddenly the whole idea became somewhat less amusing within seconds.

Ian Parker says:

(8 October 2008)

Hey, Nick. Very nice work on the chart. I am a tea drinker, so I have neither a Facebook, nor a MySpace account. I do not believe I ever shall unless required by law at some point. Which could happen. Frightening.

I suppose I could poke one of the cats when they walk by, but then I would only get a withering glare before they continue on their way to a warm nap spot.

I do Twitter, though, and over there they call it a nudge, and there are limits on nudging. Of course, the Twitter crowd is probably a different beast altogether. A little less complex, and short on words (pun intended).

Be well.

Lorahs says:

(29 October 2008)

Drink tea by the vat.

Lorahs says:

(29 October 2008)

Don't use special characters here that could be mistaken for xml, lest you end up seeing only a part of your rather clever post.
=0)

Praliolada says:

(7 March 2009)

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Cory Schop says:

(26 March 2009)

I liked your article. Good link to that Facebook group I didn't know about. Hopefully there they answer the question What Does it Mean to Poke Someone on Facebook? like this other site does. I noticed there have been some videos created around the Poking topic lately. I think it's fun and interesting how Facebook has not phased this out even with all the older crowd coming on board now.