Walking on the roadside: charming or trying?
One of the many infuriating habits I've picked up while attempting to feign good manners on a daily basis is to stay on the roadside of anyone I'm walking with. In part this comes from a basic kind of inbred courtesy, but I fear it is now more deeply rooted than that; perhaps I was a sheep dog or mother of octuplets in a previous life.
My better half finds it especially frustrating that I walk ever closer to oncoming traffic like some kind of narcotized bunny baffled by the halos of bright white lights. She's probably right to fear for my safety and mental health in this way, and it's made me think again about the role of quaint courtesies in modern life.
The roadside rule revisited
For those more familiar with the offside rule, the roadside rule is far easier to comprehend: it simply states that gentlemen and bright young things should walk on the road side of the pavement when escorting their betters, like so:
The reasons for this are shrouded in mystery, but I suspect that the idea emerged from a noble intention to prevent the older, wiser, and fairer from being splashed by passing carts or having to step in one of the less pleasant types of equine emission.
The problems begin
The rule may have held up very well when having 500 horsepower meant that you owned a very large shovel, and sales shopping wasn't a recognised Olympic sport. Today, though, modern town planning and an influx of traffic has rendered walking on the roadside nearly impossible, in part due to such 'conveniences' as pedestrian crossings, which induce a devilish breach of etiquette that I shall dub the 'curséd crossing':
Sadly, concepts such as 'Summer Sales' and 'Last Reductions' only add to the likely number of curséd crossings, reducing the art of gentlemanliness to a crass kind of urban ballet. The result is the cruel misfortune of having to constantly switch sides after each passage across the street and end up appearing like a bumbling fool.
Add to this the modern and ever-present conundrum surrounding whether or not courtesies displayed for the opposite sex are charming, trying, or simply rather old-fashioned, and the golden spoon in the ever-hardening porridge of confusion becomes somewhat more deep-set.
But fear not, loyal reader! 44forks is delighted to present some honest advice for those poor men and women unsure of how to escape such quandaries, optimised accordingly for both parties.
Tips for shepherds
Gentlemen: she is not a sheep or beast to be commanded. You are not competing in One Man and His Dog. If you find yourself actively herding the fairer sex and you are not working in the Close Personal Protection industry, relax and lie down for a while.1
Yes, it's tough. Modern gentlemanliness is frankly a farce; you'll be thought of as a hero if you display an overall air of charm and good manners without appearing to try, but rapidly branded as an oafish old fool if you put on too much of a show by, say, insisting that you swap sides every time you cross the road. It's a delicate balancing act, but the general rule is this:
When it comes to gentlemanliness, think like the SAS.2
Call it manners in Stealth Mode, if it helps. Walking on the roadside should be an effortless and thankless task that happens naturally without active thought. The moment you try to take control (or get rumbled, as I was) your mission has failed. You can try to reduce the odds of having to switch sides by only crossing the road when absolutely necessary, but I suggest that you keep it natural instead of weaving in the wake of your companion like some kind of cosmopolitan swallow. It doesn't matter if the roles are reversed from time to time: it's called sexual equality.
Above all, don't try to cook up brownie points by being overly pompous. You'll only end up baking a tart of yourself.3
Tips for shepherdesses
Ladies: If you find yourself being herded, try to resist the urge to punch his lights out. At one point, someone with a devilish sense of humour will have told him that he can recapture his lost desire to become an SAS action hero by practising good manners in "stealth mode", or some such meaningless twoddle. He'll genuinely believe that he can be gentlemanly without you noticing how hard he's trying. It's sad, I know, but for God's sake humour him, won't you? No man likes to openly admit that he's making a desperate effort to impress you.
And, in our modern age, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking charge if you prefer to play the part of the shepherdess. I confess that such a role reversal makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, but I probably deserve it, and you will likely enjoy the same sense of bewilderment and confusion it creates on the face of your own Action Man.4
Final thoughts
As with all matters of etiquette, walking on the roadside is one of those ridiculous rules that you may think no-one would miss. In reality, though, such phenomena as the butterfly effect suggest that ignoring the simple rule altogether may result in the irreversible breakdown of society or, at the very least, a death penalty for driving too fast through a puddle.
Choose your own paths wisely.
- Preferably in the traffic. ↩
- The Special Air Service is a unit of Very Scary Men in the British Army, like Delta Force in the US but with a more humble pledge: they swear to carry out arduous duties with no recognition, no rewards, no promotions and no medals. Think of them as the modern-day Knights of the Round Table, but with C8 assault rifles instead of sharpened metal sticks. ↩
- I apologise profusely for this hideous play on words, but must warn you that this is only the beginning. ↩
- If you try switching places and he's not at all phased, might I suggest pointing him to this post so he can see that he probably should be? ↩
Nick Cernis says:
(23 October 2008)A fast lane for pedestrians? That's hilarious! Thanks for sharing it. I suspect that any such development may get out of hand rather quickly, and can see a six-lane superhighway with compulsory pedestrian proficiency tests emerging within the decade.
Good luck!
Ian Parker says:
(23 October 2008)@amypalko: That is funny and sensible all at once. I confess to secretly desiring an "express lane for pedestrians" during the holiday season here in the United States. It can get downright frightening.
Of course, there would be the issue of managing walking on the roadside when using the express lane. I can see the confused hoards of shepherds now.
Then, of course, there would need to be frequent "exits" from the lane for those shepherdesses with a penchant for window shopping from across the street.
Mayhem and consumerism. There's nothing quite like it to bring out the worst in people.
Great article, Nick. I shall try to be less obvious in the future. I think my sweetheart may be on to me, but as you suggest, she has managed to bite her tongue and not mock me... yet.
GirlPie says:
(23 October 2008)Wonderful writing, lovely illustrations, so good to get to read you again. Clever, funny, satisfying and fresh. Great voice Mr. Cernis.
You didn't actually ASK how this custom developed, but research I'd done in a former profession revealed its genesis:
In the days before there even was much road, even as dirt, transportation was at the rear of an animal if not atop it, and all walkways were lined with 2 - 6 story housing structures (villas, walks-ups, flats, all over, by whatever name)... women (charwomen, slaves, little sisters, whatever) emptied the chamberpots (yes, those) right out the upper window, onto the road -- like one might toss a bit of extra ice water off a hotel balcony when ready to head inside (not ME.)
It was believed that men, with their broad brimmed hats (the picture was of Spaniards with "3 Musketeers" type hats) would take (and be protected from) any accidental splash from above if the 'lesser half' of the couple were closer to the building (since the waste water arcs outward in the pot toss.) This was popular with the ladies, obviously, but also because their dresses didn't just get dropped at the cleaners, and the menfolk's britches took the bulk of the horse+cart mud splatter for them (not a lot of asphalt.)
There. Sorry you asked?
Thanks for taking the time to post -- it's hard to imagine you're not a full-time blogger, since your work is so well-written and designed, and your value to your readers terrible high. Start a tip jar for farthings?
Charfish Charlie says:
(23 October 2008)Excellent post, fine Sir.
I remember similar bafflement befalling the hero of Martin Eden, the hero of, well, Martin Eden by Jack London. He went through all sorts of mental flutterings while escorting his pretty, and drew the line at the point where he was about to look like an ass.
Good to read your summation on't.
Joanna Young says:
(24 October 2008)Nick, you are seriously funny, thank you.
I'm too polite to say anything to a very good male friend who shepherds me in this way. And probably old enough to have started to enjoy the good manners.
I was wondering if you were going to be writing about something else on the "which way to walk on the pavement" point.
I recently came near to collision with a pensioner who was walking towards me. We both went the same way and did that crazy this way, that way, both going the same way dance, which normally leads to both sides laughing and muttering about how silly we are.
Except he almost spat with rage at my behaviour and spluttered that I'd dodged the wrong way.
It was said as if a) there was a right way b) I was committing a serious crime in ignoring it.
And yet if there is a right way, I've never been told it. Did I just miss some element of pavement netiquette?
I also can't remember which way he told me to go - fear of getting it wrong always scrambles my brain like that.
Can you enlighten me?
Lola says:
(5 November 2008)It has always been my understanding that if a woman walked alongside a road and the man didn't walk streetside that it was because he was her pimp.
Nick Cernis says:
(14 November 2008)Goodness me. I appear to have drifted off! How rude. Apologies, all. All these late nights take their toll.
Dear Ian, From my experience, they tend to build the mocking up until you've done something rather unforgiveable.
Dear Girlpie, Oh, how you flatter. I am utterly delighted that you took the time to explain the origins of this peculiar custom.
Who would have thought that such threats from above exist even today? Sadly, I fear I will now be forced to forever look skywards when passing hotel balconies, lest a reveller chooses that precise moment to discard the dregs of their foul ultraviolet concoction in my general direction.
Thank you, both for the education and the warning.
Dear Charlie, Perhaps I was temporarily confounded by your delightful US spelling, but I read your comment as "look at her ass", which is, of course, also a taboo. (But perfectly acceptable if no-one notices.)
Dear Joanna, A wonderful question! Rather than answer it here, I'll simply respond in my first Etiquestions post (coming soon), if I may.
Dear Lola, How delightful! Not only will I be able to look upon those who ignore the roadside rule as uncouth; now I can accuse them of pedalling their escorts on the 'open market' as well! If you have any remedies for black eyes, I'd be glad to hear them.
Teri says:
(6 January 2009)I have completely enjoyed your post! I've been married 21 years and one incident that stands out mostly in my memory (which bothers my husband profusely) is a walk that we took on a very small sidewalk in our neighborhood. But your post did not mention oncoming pedestrians, which is where our encounter (altercation) was. My husband brushed me aside and off onto the grassy area to let the other people pass, I felt so angry to think that the other people were more important and my walk was interrupted and I was shoved off the sidewalk for other people!
I still to this day bring this up to him and ask him why, and he says that he did not want me to get bumped into! I think it was more rude of him to "herd" me off the sidewalk for other people! And, yes, I still use it as an analogy to other things in our lives. Sad of me I know. But I think it was rude.
You really do sound like a gentleman and there are so few left!
Nick Cernis says:
(7 January 2009)Dear Teri, What a marvellous story! It's no wonder that you use it as ammunition (as is your right!). More on the delicate science of oncoming pedestrians soon.
Re: gentlemanliness. You're very kind. Alas, for it is my duty to confess wholeheartedly that I'm as flawed as the next man. It's fun to pretend sometimes, though, hence the blog.
amypalko says:
(23 October 2008)Great post! I wonder what you make of this though?
http://tinyurl.com/54ejsv